


Why won't she let me help?

by DODO24



Series: I should have known [3]
Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-01
Updated: 2019-09-01
Packaged: 2020-10-04 21:34:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20477819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DODO24/pseuds/DODO24
Summary: Christen is doing great, Tobin not so much, How do they get Tobin to talk? We find out why Alex is someone Tobin can talk to and Christen experiences exactly what Tobin has been feeling.





	Why won't she let me help?

**Author's Note:**

> I got this fic out faster than i thought i would
> 
> This fic has an extra trigger warning in the middle of the story, that's where Chris talks in more detail about what happened in Orlando. It's nothing graphic but i want you to be able to skip it if you need to, there are no major plot points in that bit of the story so you can skip it without worrying about that, just continue on after the "end trigger warning" i added in bold.

Tobin had been on and off for 3 days now, she would go from crying to pretending nothing was going on. She would go from hardly letting go of Christen to avoiding her. The group minus Tobin had been sitting outside on a little hill after training when Kelley brought it up, “how long are we going to pretend that Tobin is okay?” No one answered her, they all knew something was wrong, but no one knew what to do.

“Chris?”

“I don’t know Kelley, I don’t know what to do, she won’t talk and she won’t let me touch her. I know what’s wrong, I know why she is upset and somehow that makes it even worse than not knowing.” Christen just wanted her Tobin back.

It was frustrating to see Tobin blame herself, it felt like the better Christen felt, the worse Tobin felt. Christen trained with the group for the first time today, she had been laughing and having fun with Mal and Kelley. Meanwhile Tobin lost it again, she became aggressive in her play and ended up punching a goalpost when Jill told her to get off the field to cool off.

Christen had gone after her but Tobin once again didn’t allow her to get close, she didn’t even let the physician look at her hand. She just sat with her back against the training complex watching the field, trying to keep the tears from falling. Training finished without Tobin getting back on the field, Jill gave her 5 laps to run before being allowed to come in.

They were watching her run her laps from a distance not wanting to leave her alone, the rest of the team had already gone in. They had all been counting but Tobin didn’t stop when she reached 5, she just kept going. Alex had joined them after lap 7, she had been the only one who Tobin would allow close from time to time.

“She feels guilty for putting you through all of this, no matter how many times i tell her she is not the one who caused this, she won’t believe me. I also think she feels guilty for needing to ask you guys for help, she feels like she should be fixing this because she believes she caused it.”

Alex’s words didn’t tell Christen anything she didn’t already know or had guessed but they still hurt. “Why does she feel so guilty? she won’t tell me that.” Christens head turned away from the field to look at Alex when she heard the question, Kelley and Ash tried to change the subject before Christen silenced them with a simple “she needs to know and Tobin won’t tell her.” 

“Part of the reason why Tobin feels guilty is because she thinks she raped me,” Christen saw Alex’s puzzled look, she could see the questions forming in Alex’s head. Christen sighed, knowing it was better to just tell Alex everything, “when I came home from Orlando I wanted to tell Tobin, but I didn’t because she was asleep. We ended up having sex that night when she woke up and I didn’t stop her because I was scared she would hurt me.” She saw Alex’s eyes go wide, “and Tobin never realized?” Christen shook her head, “that wasn’t the last time was it?” Christen shook her head again, “we regularly had sex, I never wanted to but couldn’t decline without telling her why, so I just got it over with.”

Alex still looked puzzled, “how could Tobin not notice that you weren’t enjoying it?” This was probably a question which during normal circumstances would make Christen blush, but this wasn’t normal in any way. “My body still reacted Alex, I didn’t stop her because I was scared but that didn’t stop my body from reacting to her, she couldn’t have known.”

Alex still looked confused so Christen looked around the group for help, luckily Ash was never shy. “People can get off without wanting to Alex, even victims of sexual assault orgasm, it’s the combination of being in a mentally weird state and having your body react to someone touching you. That doesn’t mean you enjoy it, it just means you’re human and you react to being touched, no matter how awful it is.”

Christen send Ash a thankful look before looking back at Alex, she knew Alex wasn’t being rude she just never had to deal with anything like this. “Did you when you were…?” before Christen could react she felt Ali lean forward, “you don’t ask that Alex!” Christen pulled Ali back, “it’s okay Ali, I don’t mind.” It was Pinoe’s turn to speak up while glaring at Alex, “no Chris you shouldn’t have to talk about that.”

Christen didn’t mind though, she had been talking online on some public forums Kelley had found a week ago, it had helped her talk even if it was through a computer. “Guys it’s okay, it would probably be good if I talked about it,” this got the group to look at her with a mixture of confused and horrifying faces. “I have been talking about it online and it does help I think, the nightmares have been less since I started talking about it. I don’t like talking about it, but I think the example of what happens when you don’t talk is right in front of us.”

They all looked at Tobin who was currently on lap 12, “look I’m not going to ask you to listen, I’m fine just telling Alex if you’re not comfortable listening.” Ali looked at her conflicted, it took a hug and a deep look in her eyes to convince Ali that Christen could deal with this without her. Ali didn’t have to explain, she wasn’t ready to listen to that part of the story. After a few minutes Ash stood up as well, she didn’t have to explain either, she was a protector, hearing the story would probably have her join Tobin in beating up a goalpost.

Ash and Ali moved away from them, sitting down closer to the field, promising to keep an eye on Tobin. Christen looked around the smaller group, “are you all sure you want to hear this?” Pinoe, Kelley and Alex looked straight back at her, “I don’t think wanting to, is the right phrase for it but I do think talking about it would be good for you.” Pinoe and Alex nodded at Kelley’s words, “is there anything we can do to make it easier?” Alex asked, “ask questions I guess, it makes it seem less like I’m telling a story and more like we’re just having a conversation.”

**Trigger warning**

Alex started them off, “so did you orgasm?” Some people might label Alex rude or to direct but in this moment Christen loved her for it. “No, the only thing I could focus on was the pain,” she saw Pinoe clench her fists when she said that. “How did they hurt you?” Alex and Pinoe looked at Kelley like she just asked a very stupid question, Kelley just shrugged her shoulders. “It’s not actually a stupid question, weirdly enough the pain I remember most is the pain in my wrists because they hold them very tight. Maybe it was just me focusing on that so I wouldn’t notice the rest as much.”

“Did they push you against a wall?” The question surprised Christen, when she raised her eyebrows Alex tried to explain, “I noticed that you don’t like it when people stand in front of you when there is a wall behind you and everyone always sits next to you, not in front of you.” Christen was impressed, she didn’t think Alex would think about it that much. She paused for a bit taking a deep breath to regain control over her voice, “That is what happened, they pushed me against the alley wall, I think to control me. Since that moment i don’t like it when people enclose me in a tight space.” 

“How did you deal with Tobin after that, she didn’t know so didn’t she enclose you a lot?” Christen swallowed, she hadn’t actually told anyone but Tobin this detail, “it’s part of the reason why I didn’t tell her the night I came home. She got on top of me when I got to bed, that’s why I didn’t say anything and why I didn’t stop her when we were having sex.” She felt tears in her eyes now but when she looked around she saw that she wasn’t alone, “you must have been so scared.” Christen just nodded when Alex said those last words.

They were all quiet for a couple minutes, processing what they had just heard.

**End trigger warning**

“Thankyou for listening guys,” Alex, Pinoe and Kelley all gave her a smile, “I’m happy you found a way to talk about it.” “Not without your help Kells,” Christen leaned over to give Kelley a hug, she never properly thanked her for doing all that research into those forums. Pinoe was the one to break the mood, “hey mama helped, where is her hug?” Christen giggled and pulled her into the hug, afterwards she pulled in Alex as well wanting to thank the woman for making it easy on her to talk.

When they broke apart Christen got up, “shall we join Ali and Ash and see what lap Tobin is on?” She said it in a cheerful voice even if she was worried about Tobin. They all agreed trying to make light of the situation and joke about a bet they could make about the amount of laps Tobin could run.

When they got to the couple Christen saw Ali’s face before she sat down next to her, “don’t feel guilty, I understand why you couldn’t listen to that.” Ali relaxed a bit after she heard Christen whisper that in her ear, “was it okay?” Ali whispered back, Christen nodded at her smiling, “I think it helped.”

When she turned her eyes onto the field she could see that Tobin was still running, “what lap is she on?” Ash turned to her before she spoke, “17, she is slowing down, but she isn’t stopping.” Christen wanted nothing more than to go down there and stop her but she had learned that Tobin needed to exhaust herself before she would even think of opening up.

They sat together for another 20 minutes watching Tobin going slower and slower, she had only managed 1 lap in the past 10 minutes, but she wasn’t stopping. 5 minutes later they saw her drop to her knees and punching the ground with her already injured hand. Christen wanted to go to her but Alex stopped her, “maybe I should go?” It pained Christen but she nodded, Tobin wasn’t going to talk to her, but she might talk to Alex.

When Alex got to Tobin she dropped to her knees next to her, grabbing the hand which was still punching the ground. She lifted Tobin up gently and let her fall into her arms while still sitting on their knees. Tobin just cried, she wanted to punch and scream but she didn’t have the energy anymore.

Back up the hill Christen was clenching her fists, she needed to go to Tobin, she wanted to be the one holding her. It wasn’t jealousy, she just felt like she wasn’t doing her job, she was supposed to be the one to hold Tobin and wipe her tears away, not Alex. The others looked at Christen while she struggled, they were ready to stop her if she started moving over to the field.

“Why doesn’t she let me help her?” Christen was crying now seeing Tobin cling to Alex as if she was her life raft.

“Do you want the honest answer?” Pinoe asked. “I don’t know, do i?” Christen said through her crying.

Pinoe gave her the honest answer anyway, “I think she needs Alex because she is the only one she trusts completely who doesn’t make her feel guilty.”

Christen wanted to argue, she wanted to hate Pinoe for what she just said but deep down she knew she was right. “Wait, why do we make her feel guilty?” Kelley had questioned. “Because we have been doing her job, or at least she thinks it’s her job” Ash added with a sad voice. 

Christen had a moment in which all the puzzle pieces suddenly fit. “She has been feeling like I do right now,” she hadn’t said it to anyone in particular but Pinoe still gave her an answer. “She has and Alex is the only one who wasn’t there this week to make her feel that way.”

Christen looked back to the field when she saw movement in the corner of her eye. Alex and Tobin had laid down, they were laying spread out like starfish looking up to the sky.

“You know Christen doesn’t blame you right?” Tobin was too tired to throw up her walls, “I know.” They didn’t look at each other, they were focusing on the clouds, “so why do you feel guilty?” Tobin didn’t answer.

Alex decided to change gears after a few minutes of silence, “do you remember the cloud guessing game we played when we were still in Portland together?” Tobin let out a deep breath, “yeah, you were really bad at it,” Alex gasped, “I was not, you were just seeing crazy things.” Tobin chuckled at the memory, “seeing a sheep in a cloud is not crazy Alex,” “it is when it’s eating a duck Tobs.” They were both laughing, “Allie thought we had smoked weed when we told her the next day.” They both started laughing hysterically at the memory.

They were quiet again after they had stopped laughing, Alex could hear Tobin let out a deep breath, “I feel like I have been failing as a girlfriend.” This got Alex’s attention, “why?” Tobin sighed, “because everyone has been doing what I should have done the night she came back, instead I just make her feel scared.”

“Christen told me what happened when she came back home, she also told me she doesn’t blame you,” Tobin let out a deep breath again. “I know she doesn’t but maybe she should, I could have solve everything the day she came back. If I would have she wouldn’t be scared of me and she wouldn’t need Ali to hold her or Pinoe to tell me things.” Alex turned onto her stomach after hearing that, she crawled up so she could look at Tobin’s face.

“Do you really think that is true? Do you think you could have solved all of this in a day?” Tobin didn’t look at her, but she did answer, “okay maybe not but she still wouldn’t need someone else to hold her or talk for her.”

Alex grabbed her chin this time, forcing Tobin to look at her, “listen to me, your girl would still be scared, and she would still need her friends.” Tobin got ready to interrupt her, “no, let me speak. She would still be scared of you because she would be scared of anyone who would touch her and she would still need her friends because you can’t be everything. Look at how many different people she has around her, she needs all of us, no one can fill all those roles. So what if she needs Ali to hold her or Kelley to cheer her up, your role is to be what she needs you to be, that’s it.”

Tobin tried to make sense of the words in her head, “do you really think so?” Alex was trying really hard to not slap Tobin on the head right now. “I know so you idiot and you why I know so?” Tobin shook her head, “because your girl just talked to us about what happened in Orlando, but Ali couldn’t bear hearing it. Christen asked us all if we wanted to listen to her but Ali and Ash just couldn’t, everyone has their roles and Christen needs every one of us to help her. You don’t have to be everything, you just need to be you, that’s all she needs.”

“She talked about Orlando?” Tobin breathed out, “she did and we were there to listen.” Tobin scrambled to get up, “what are you doing?” Alex asked while also getting up, “I need to get to Chris, I have been so stupid.” Alex was relieved she could talk some sense into Tobin, but she needed to do something else now. “Yeah no argument there buddy but before you go to her you need to shower because you stink and you need to calm down.”

Tobin looked down at her sweaty clothes before heading to the changing rooms, Alex followed her but not before throwing a quick thumbs up to the people still sitting on the hill away from the field.

Christen let out a sigh of relief when she saw the thumbs up, she had been nervously watching the two on the field. She couldn’t hear anything which made the movements on the field even more confusing.

She looked around looking for someone who knew what to do, “should I go to her?” Before Pinoe could answer they all got a text.

**Amorgs:** “_Knucklehead is okay, told her to shower and change, she wants to see you after Chris, could you wait on the field?”_

Christen quickly sent Alex a text thanking her and confirming that she would wait. She told the others to go, it was getting late, she assured everyone she would be okay before she hugged them all before they left.

Christen moved to the field, sitting down in the center of the field waiting for Tobin to come back.

She stood up when she saw Tobin exit the changing room, Alex not far behind. When their eyes met she felt a familiar spark, it had been gone for a while, she knew it was back because for the first time in a long time they were okay. She saw Alex grab Tobin by the shoulders when she wanted to enter the field, Alex fixed her hair for her, of course Alex would think of that Christen thought. She also gave her a quick hug before whispering something in her ear that made Tobin laugh. After that Alex left with a final wave to Christen.

_They were alone._

She saw Tobin walk towards her in a quick pace, Christen matched her pace until they were face to face, only inches apart. “Can I kiss you?” Christen put her arms around Tobin’s neck, “please do.” Tobin kissed her deeply, they both sighed when their tongues touched, it was a kiss full of passion, Christen could feel the emotion behind it.

They kissed until they were out of breath. When Tobin pulled away she put her forehead on Christens, “I’m sorry for being stupid.” Christen smiled, “I’m sorry for not understanding why you were being stupid.” Tobin gave her a wide smile, one that made her knees feel weak. 

They sat down on the field, touching each other, kissing and laughing all the while. They needed to talk, they needed to explain things to each other, heck they needed to eat and get Tobin’s hand looked at, but right now they chose to just enjoy each other for a moment.

**Author's Note:**

> Phew that was intense to write and i want to explain a few things quickly.
> 
> First, it was important for me to add in the orgasm story, i touched on it very briefly in the original story but i felt it was to important to ignore. What i wrote is the truth, yet a lot of victims get chastised for "enjoying" sexual assault because they orgasm, some even get told that because they "enjoyed" it, it wasn't rape. This couldn't be further from the truth. 
> 
> Second, you might be wondering why i added in the more detailed part about the rape, i did that because talking about it helps. A lot of victims don't talk about what happened and never truly process their experience because of it.
> 
> Next Fic in this series will probably be about intimacy and Christen and Tobin finding their way back to it but if you have suggestions or ideas let me known, maybe you will inspire me.
> 
> Anyway, let me know what you think in the comments or on Tumblr https://hardtchill.tumblr.com/


End file.
